In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So much rum. So many feels.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
