I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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