She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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