can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
