I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am mentally ready for anal.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
