i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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