That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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