Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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