The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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