Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
