Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
