I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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