i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize