I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
