I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
