first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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