well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
