He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
