Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
