it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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