I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
