I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
