She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
