A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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