The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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