True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
