and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
