So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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