I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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