Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
