do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
