My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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