I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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