Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
