If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As shirtless as possible
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
