You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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