My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
