when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
