i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
