you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
