I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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