It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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