Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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