I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
