Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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