I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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