I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
