Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
