When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
