My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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