My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
