Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My breasts were aching with rage.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
