you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
