based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
