Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize