I'm going to jail i love you
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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