I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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