He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
