so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize