i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
