I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
