Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
