don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
