so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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