he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
