Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
