now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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