I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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